And Presents Under the Tree
by B.A. Tyler
Summary: Weird, anachronistic, completely silly Christmas story featuring a certain M*A*S*H doctor and a certain toy space ranger.


(**Author's Note:** I don't know where this one came from, but suffice it to say I'm aware that _M*A*S*H_ takes place in the 1950s and that _Toy Story_ is contemporary. That's the least of our worries here. Just check your brain at the door.)

* * *

**And Presents Under the Tree**

If there was one thing Hawkeye Pierce never expected to see during his time in Korea, it was a panic-stricken reindeer flying off into the night, trying to catch up to a rapidly departing big red sleigh being pulled along by eight other reindeer.

Hawkeye stood there, outside the latrine, still hanging onto the door for support, and watched the little guy make his belated escape. Finally letting the door go, he rubbed at his eyes, blinked, shook his head… and when he looked again, the sleigh was nearly out of sight. Blitzen too. He didn't know why he figured it was Blitzen… probably because of the name… made him sound like he'd had one too many drinks and was helping to pilot Santa's sleigh while under the influence.

He let out a laugh, then decided maybe he himself was drunk, which would explain the crazy hallucination he'd just had. But he thought back to last night and all he could remember having was a couple of beers at Rosie's. Certainly not enough to get plastered on…

Chalking the whole thing up to his overactive imagination, he began to head back to the Swamp to fall back into bed. But halfway there, he noticed the light was on in the mess tent, and that seemed strange. Middle of the night on Christmas Eve… nobody should be in there now. He veered off to investigate.

He stepped in and everything seemed fine. Nothing out of the ordinary, apart from the light being on. The Christmas tree was standing in one corner, all decorated, with a whole slew of presents underneath…

Presents? What the…? When did that happen? They never put presents under the tree the night before… too risky. Most were for the orphans, and the M*A*S*H folks didn't want any locals coming around and stealing Christmas gifts away from little kids who needed all the help they could get in having a happy holiday.

Hawkeye went over to the tree and knelt down, inspecting some of the packages. Everything was beautifully wrapped, but there were no tags with names written on them. It was a little surprising, to find these here, but hey, if Radar wanted to take a chance that they'd still be around in the morning, then what did Hawkeye care—

He caught movement out of the corner of his eye and he whirled around, his gaze shifting this way and that… _Something_ had most definitely moved. What was in here with him? A rat? One of the stray dogs?

There—movement again, off to his left, and he stood up to get a full picture of the tree and its surroundings. And yeah—there! He caught the movement as it happened this time, and he said, "What the _hell_?"

Because he was looking at a walking toy. Or rather, a scampering toy, who for all the world appeared to be heading to the door.

"Stop!" he said, and felt immediately ridiculous. Was he talking to a toy, as if he expected it to obey him?

The hell of it was, the toy _did_ obey him. It stopped right in its tracks, about halfway between the Christmas tree and the door. It stopped… and turned around to face him.

It was a space ranger, replete with space suit and retractable helmet, and damned if it didn't look like it was real. Its face had a real expression on it, and it moved its body as though it were real. Hawkeye came to the very likely conclusion that he was dreaming this entire incident. He had to be. Toys didn't look this real. They also didn't scamper to doors, as if trying to make a break for it.

They also didn't talk. But this one did. "Hello, sir!" it said in a deep, authoritative voice. "I am Buzz Lightyear of Star Command. To infinity… and beyond!" He gestured to the sky, and Hawkeye, watching this insane scene before him, felt his legs about to give way and his vision get a little blurry. He sat down on the mess tent floor with a _plunk_, which hurt quite a bit, but had to be a better alternative than passing out. He put a hand to his forehead and waited for the dizziness to pass.

The little space ranger went on, "Don't worry, I know I'm actually a toy. I didn't _always_ know that, but my friends set me straight. In any case, I'm sure I've been left here by mistake, and I'm afraid I need to leave."

In spite of the bizarreness of the situation, Hawkeye heard himself reply to the toy. "How do you know you're here by mistake? I think Santa was here just a few minutes ago—I saw a sleigh. He must have left you here."

"Because I belong to a boy named Andy, and he wouldn't give me up. Never. I belong with my friends Woody and Slink and Hamm…"

Hawkeye held up a hand, getting the picture. "OK, OK, so you're not a new toy. You already have a boy that you belong to."

The space ranger was nodding vigorously. "Yes, yes, that's right. That's why I was trying to escape. I need to get back to Andy's before he wakes up on Christmas morning and sees I'm not there."

"I'm guessing this Andy lives in the United States?"

Buzz gave him an _Are you loopy?_ look, which Hawkeye felt was utterly appropriate under the circumstances. "I'm not in the United States now?"

Hawkeye shook his head. He gestured around the mess tent and said, "You're in Korea, pal. This is an Army compound in Korea."

Now it was Buzz's turn to plop onto the floor with a look of disbelief on his face. He sighed heavily. "How did I get so far away from Andy's?"

Hawkeye said, "You must've gotten into Santa's bag somehow, and made your way halfway across the world before he deposited you under our tree. Why, I don't know."

He watched as Buzz's expression transformed from confusion into righteous indignation. "I'll get those guys!" Buzz said, slamming his tiny fist into his tiny palm. "My friends did this, I'll bet. They found out I was made in Taiwan. It says so underneath this panel on my left arm." He pointed. "They were teasing me about it… 'Oh, you're not American-made, Buzz. You're not one of us!'"

Hawkeye blinked. "This isn't Taiwan… it's _Korea_," he repeated slowly, as if talking to a preschool toy.

Buzz shrugged. "You think toys are experts in geography?"

"Clearly not," Hawkeye allowed.

Buzz sighed. "Anyway, I guess this is their idea of a little prank."

"Pretty elaborate prank," Hawkeye said, feeling sorry for the guy. Er… toy. "Not to mention a successful one. Be sure to tell your friends how we laughed and laughed. But now we have to figure out how to get you back to your rightful owner." He stood up and began to pace back and forth in front of the Christmas tree, thinking. Buzz sat there watching him, eyes ping-ponging. Every now and then he stabbed at a red button on the front of his space suit. "Why do you keep doing that?" Hawkeye finally asked.

"It's supposed to put me in touch with Star Command." Then he went still and looked up at Hawkeye, deflated, "I mean, it would if I were a real space ranger…"

Poor guy had some serious identity issues. Sidney Freedman would probably have a field day… Hawkeye shook his head. No time for that. He needed to get this toy back to the States.

He suddenly stopped and turned to Buzz. "If I got you to an airport, could you handle it from there? Stow away on a plane and find your way home to Andy?"

The space ranger stood up to his full 12 inches and puffed out his chest. "Absolutely, sir! It would be a mission of utmost importance, and I would be equal to the task, sir."

"OK. Then I'll tell you what I'm gonna do…"

Shortly after dawn on Christmas morning, when the first of the wounded soldiers were put onto choppers to be taken to Kimpo Airfield, Hawkeye stuck a small toy space ranger alongside Corporal Gilroy before he secured him in the bubble. "Little friend to ride along with you," he said with a smile. "It's Christmas, after all."

"Uh, thanks, Doc," Corporal Gilroy said, understandably confused but apparently willing to play along with his unorthodox physician. "Merry Christmas."

"Good luck, Buzz!" Hawkeye said with a wave.

Corporal Gilroy's brow furrowed even more. "My name is Lawrence, sir…"

The chopper took off and Hawkeye stood there watching it ascend, hoping that both Lawrence and Buzz would have a happy holiday.

When he got back to the Swamp, B.J. was just starting to get into his Santa Claus get-up, pulling on a very red pair of pants that were far too baggy on him. "Hey Hawk," he said as he looked up. "Where ya been? We have orphans coming and a party about to get underway."

"Just sent a lost space ranger on his way home. He didn't belong here."

B.J. gave a small laugh. "Who of us does?"

"Santa screwed up."

"Well, nobody's perfect."

"And Blitzen almost got left behind."

B.J. pulled on a huge red shirt. "You been in the eggnog already today?"

Hawkeye reached into his footlocker and grabbed a pair of antlers, which he fastened on his head. "Just another Christmas in Korea," he said with a shrug. "Let's go have ourselves a party, shall we?" With B.J. on his heels, Hawkeye opened the Swamp door and smiled, pointing to the sky. "To infinity… and beyond!"


End file.
